“Get a wife.”
Three simple words. My colleague typed them casually in response to my WhatsApp status, where I had joked about needing the willpower to do laundry. But those words carried more weight than he probably realized.
In that moment, something clicked for me. I saw, in sharp relief, how deeply society has conditioned us to believe women exist primarily to make men’s lives easier. It was another reminder of a truth I’ve wrestled with for years and even made a video about some months ago: Stop raising “somebody’s wife.” here is the link: https://youtu.be/tQjGsE_ILv8
Now, let me be clear from the beginning: this is not about being anti-marriage or anti-family. Marriage can be beautiful. Family is sacred. But this is about something deeper: raising whole human beings, girls who know they are complete in themselves, whether or not they marry.
What Does “Somebody’s Wife” Really Mean?
When I say “somebody’s wife,” I’m not talking about the choice of marriage. I’m talking about the conditioning that trains girls to believe their highest destiny is to serve a man—to cook, clean, bear children, and play a supporting role in someone else’s story.
It’s the subtle, everyday lessons that teach girls they are incomplete without a husband. As Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie wrote in We Should All Be Feminists:
“We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls: You can have ambition, but not too much. Otherwise, you will threaten the man.”
This mindset doesn’t just limit girls, it reduces them to accessories in a world where they should be creators.
The Passive Life Problem
Here’s the first danger: passivity.
When a girl is raised to believe a man will eventually come and lead her, she doesn’t learn to lead herself. Why would she develop the courage to take risks, start businesses, or pursue ambitious goals if she believes those decisions ultimately belong to someone else?
Simone de Beauvoir once observed:
“One is not born, but rather becomes, a woman.”
In other words, society shapes women into roles. If the role is one of waiting, supporting, and depending, then that’s exactly what she becomes. And society loses the leader, innovator, or change-maker she could have been.
The Economic Trap
In African contexts, especially, this mindset has heavy economic costs. I’ve seen brilliant young women finish university, only to be discouraged from pursuing jobs in other cities because “good girls don’t live alone.” Meanwhile, their brothers are praised for spreading their wings.
The outcome? Daughters are left in towns with limited opportunities, waiting for successful men to “rescue” them through marriage.
The writer Buchi Emecheta once said,
“But who made the law that we should not hope in our daughters? We women subscribe to that law more than anyone. Until we change all this, it is still a man’s world, which women will always help to build.”
That pressure leaves women economically vulnerable, and dependency is not just limiting, it’s dangerous.
The Generational Cycle
The most heartbreaking part is how this mindset perpetuates itself. Mothers who were raised as “somebody’s wife” often pass the same lessons to their daughters: “Don’t be too ambitious. Don’t overshadow your future husband. Just focus on being a good wife.”
Yet research shows something radically different: when women are empowered, entire families thrive. Nicholas Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn, in their book Half the Sky, argue:
“Women hold up half the sky. When you give them the chance to develop, they will lift their families—and their societies—out of poverty.”
So why are we clipping their wings before they learn to fly?
The Hidden Burden on Men
This problem doesn’t just hurt women; it burdens men too.
If women are raised incomplete, then men are expected to “complete” them. Men must become providers, leaders, decision-makers, not just for themselves, but for another adult who was never taught to stand alone.
That’s an impossible weight for any man to carry. Healthy relationships thrive not on dependency, but on partnership. As bell hooks wisely noted in All About Love:
“Love is not about domination. Love is about the mutual growth of two people who choose each other.”
Culture vs. Choice
Now, let’s be fair: there is nothing wrong with a woman choosing traditional roles. Some women genuinely desire marriage, homemaking, or raising children full-time, and that’s valid.
The problem is when those roles are imposed as the only path. Real choice only exists when all options are presented equally. Raising “somebody’s wife” eliminates choice, it’s not freedom, it’s conditioning disguised as destiny.
Sees marriage as one choice among many, not her ultimate life’s purpose.
As Reshma Saujani, founder of Girls Who Code, said in her TED Talk:
“We’re raising our girls to be perfect, and we’re raising our boys to be brave. We need to teach our girls to be brave, to
What does it look like to raise whole women, not just wives?
- A Girl with Her Own Dreams and Ambitions
Think of Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, married, a mother, yet unapologetically ambitious. Through books like We Should All Be Feminists, she has challenged gender norms worldwide. She embodies the truth that having a family does not mean shrinking your dreams.
On the other hand, Oprah Winfrey, unmarried and without children, built an empire that empowers millions daily. She once said, “The biggest adventure you can take is to live the life of your dreams.” She is living proof that a woman can be complete, regardless of her marital status.
- Financial Literacy and Independence
Folorunso Alakija, one of Africa’s richest women, built her wealth through oil, fashion, and philanthropy. Married with children, she is a role model for economic independence and generosity—showing that financial empowerment can coexist with family life.
Contrast that with Madam C.J. Walker, America’s first female self-made millionaire in the early 1900s. Divorced and determined, she revolutionized the hair-care industry for Black women. Her story demonstrates that independence isn’t about relationship status—it’s about vision and grit.
- Building Leadership Capacity
Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, Liberia’s former president and Africa’s first elected female head of state, led her country through post-war recovery. A mother and grandmother, she shows that leadership isn’t limited by gender or family role.
Meanwhile, Wangari Maathai, the late Kenyan environmentalist and Nobel Peace Prize laureate, reshaped global environmental policy while navigating personal struggles, including divorce. Her Green Belt Movement continues to inspire leaders worldwide.
- Confidence in Decision-Making
Michelle Obama is a shining example of this principle. She once said: “There is no limit to what we, as women, can accomplish.” She has consistently modeled confidence in decision-making, from her legal career to redefining the role of First Lady.
Similarly, Mo Abudu, Nigerian media entrepreneur often called “Africa’s Oprah,” decided to take control of narratives by founding EbonyLife TV. She didn’t wait for permission—she created opportunities and told stories that reshaped African media.
- Worth Beyond Marital Status
Dr. Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala, Director-General of the World Trade Organization, is married but her worth and recognition extend far beyond being “somebody’s wife.” She is valued globally for her intellect, competence, and reform-driven leadership.
Ava DuVernay, award-winning American filmmaker, has never married nor had children. Yet she has created films and series that shift cultural narratives (Selma, When They See Us).
These women,married or unmarried, mothers or not, prove one truth: completeness comes from living authentically, not from a marital title.
The Ripple Effects of Raising Complete Humans
The benefits of this shift ripple far beyond individual girls. When we stop raising “somebody’s wife” and start raising complete human beings, the effects are transformative:
- Economic Growth
Nations where women fully participate in the workforce are more prosperous. It’s not just a moral argument—it’s an economic one. Former UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan once said, “There is no tool for development more effective than the empowerment of women.”
Bill Gates echoed this sentiment during a visit to Saudi Arabia: “If you are not fully utilizing the talent in the country, you’re not going to get too close to the top ten.” When half the population is sidelined, entire nations underperform.
- Stronger Families
Confident, empowered mothers raise confident, empowered children. Melinda Gates captured it perfectly: “When we invest in women and girls, we are investing in the people who invest in everyone else.”
Michelle Obama put it even more bluntly: “Communities and countries and ultimately the world are only as strong as the health of their women.” Strong women mean stronger families, and stronger families mean stronger societies.
- Better Relationships
Partnerships are stronger when two whole people come together by choice, not dependency. As feminist thinker bell hooks reminds us: “Love is a combination of care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect and trust.”
This kind of love flourishes only when individuals enter relationships complete in themselves, not searching for someone to “complete” them. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie adds: “The problem with gender is that it prescribes how we should be rather than recognizing how we are.” Breaking free from those prescriptions allows space for authentic, equal partnerships.
- Social Progress
Societies flourish when they tap into the full range of human potential. Christine Lagarde, former head of the IMF, once said: “When women do better, economies do better.”
Archbishop Desmond Tutu also emphasized this truth: “If we are going to see real development in the world, then our best investment is women.”
And as Ban Ki-moon declared, “The world will never realize 100 percent of its goals if 50 percent of its people cannot realize their full potential.”
Conclusion: Raising Whole Humans, Not Just Wives
Parents, mentors, educators, this is in our hands.
The old scripts must be challenged. When you hear “prepare her for marriage,” respond with: “And what about preparing her for life?” Expose girls to women thriving in diverse fields. Invest equally in sons and daughters, education, opportunities, and encouragement. And perhaps most importantly, watch your language. Stop asking girls, “When will you marry?” and start asking, “What are you building?”
Because here’s the truth: every girl deserves to grow up knowing she is complete, capable, and valuable, before she ever takes anyone’s last name. As Michelle Obama once said in Becoming:
“We need to do a better job of putting ourselves higher on our own ‘to-do’ list.”
When we stop raising “somebody’s wife” and start raising “somebody,” we don’t just empower girls, we transform societies. We create stronger families, healthier partnerships, and a future where women and men meet as equals, not as master and helper, but as partners in shaping the world.
It’s time to raise whole human beings. It’s time to raise somebody.
And now I turn it to you: What do you think? Have you seen the effects of raising “somebody’s wife” versus raising “somebody” in your own community? Share your thoughts, I’d love to hear them.